I find myself so often thinking that because I became a mother late in life, I will have all of this wisdom to pass on. Whenever I get caught up in this almost proud mode, I am truly humbled. My oldest teen daughter had been going against the grain a bit (nothing too earth shattering but it wasn't like her) and we were not really seeing eye to eye. Being a person to tackle issues head on I went to her one day and said "something is wrong." We both agreed and after a long conversation and dealing with basic expectations and where they were at, I realized that I had been working and thinking things were okay, yet there were many things that were left from when she was 12 or so that were not okay then, but that would be now as she is 16. She was functioning under the 12-year-old guidelines, and trying to do more without my knowing not realizing she could simply come to me and ask. She told me she figured I would still say no, not realizing that she had changed in age. Something so simple....I had dropped the ball and not communicated consistently throughout the years about so many things that had become okay now that she didn't realize. She had just assumed that I would say no, or to use her expression, would "flip out."
Lessons before 50 actually came for her....the importance of communicating. She would have had nothing to lose, and that was valuable for her to see. So it was a duet of lessons still coming. We have both agreed to be totally honest and if any expectations are broken we will talk it through immediately. My lesson specifically.....the doors of communication are reestablished and always open. Nothing is more important
at this point in both of our lives. The diaper changing days are over, the trust was established as we do our part as mothers of little ones. But now, the trust is established for a purpose and that was suddenly clear to me. The purpose goes much deeper for each child, while we as parents desire to impact their lives in a special and unique way.
The door today was then also open so that we were able to talk more about music, favorite songs, etc and she brought up the discussion. Score one for the lesson learned before 50.........and my door and heart were open to hear what she had to say and I know we will have a series of discussions now.....score one for the lesson learned and continuing to be learned after 50.
Have a great weekend and be a wonderful listener and open your heart to hear your children. They have a lot to say!
Denise
Showing posts with label Life Stages. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Stages. Show all posts
Word-ful Wednesday: Process
Before I explain the after 50 lessons of the word process, I must confess that in teaching my daughters, I would periodically have what I think of as "FTC" days. Federal Trade Commission? No. ;) Forget the curriculum. Necessity being the mother of invention, I started this when I taught elementary school. There were days where the kids needs were just more important than following my exact time/plan/schedule. And those days, we often accomplished more than on a carefully planned out day. I did this in teaching and in homeschooling. There are times I need that as well. I'm leading up to the fact that I need to continue on with part 2 of my posts on planning, but not until I interpret the word process as I see it.
Our lives are a process from actually in the womb right on through. We are not in the womb and then suddenly one day we are ready to come out on an instant and be born. (many mothers would rejoice were this the case). We don't suddenly walk without holding on to the furniture first and making many wobbly attempts. We don't suddenly ride a bike without training wheels without more wobbly attempts. I taught first grade one year. The first day of school I saw these little people coming in and I realized they are really big kindergarteners, not first grade yet. I was able to relate to them along their own process, meeting them where they were.
Before 50 (but a process, remember, no clear cut day), I had extremely high expectations of people. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but when we are rigid in our expectations it is. I still have the same high standards now, working with my children especially to guide them in life, but again, a process. Working to be a more understanding wife, but seeing my husband where he is in his process. We can reach high, and before OR after 50 I am hoping to continue doing that with God's help; however, after 50 I have possibly "mellowed" a little as I see the process more clearly. Our children, our spouses, every person we come in contact with--take this day to remember that they are all at a different place in the process.
Let's all take this day and in the word process remember we are traveling and not always smooth, but it is a process. We are not "done cookin'" yet. Remember that with every contact you have, positive or negative, it is a process for the other person and a process for how we respond. I have days of total failure in this area; however, it is my process as well and as I work to understand family and anyone I may impact is not "done cookin", I can only hope they understand the same about me.
Our lives are a process from actually in the womb right on through. We are not in the womb and then suddenly one day we are ready to come out on an instant and be born. (many mothers would rejoice were this the case). We don't suddenly walk without holding on to the furniture first and making many wobbly attempts. We don't suddenly ride a bike without training wheels without more wobbly attempts. I taught first grade one year. The first day of school I saw these little people coming in and I realized they are really big kindergarteners, not first grade yet. I was able to relate to them along their own process, meeting them where they were.
Before 50 (but a process, remember, no clear cut day), I had extremely high expectations of people. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but when we are rigid in our expectations it is. I still have the same high standards now, working with my children especially to guide them in life, but again, a process. Working to be a more understanding wife, but seeing my husband where he is in his process. We can reach high, and before OR after 50 I am hoping to continue doing that with God's help; however, after 50 I have possibly "mellowed" a little as I see the process more clearly. Our children, our spouses, every person we come in contact with--take this day to remember that they are all at a different place in the process.
Let's all take this day and in the word process remember we are traveling and not always smooth, but it is a process. We are not "done cookin'" yet. Remember that with every contact you have, positive or negative, it is a process for the other person and a process for how we respond. I have days of total failure in this area; however, it is my process as well and as I work to understand family and anyone I may impact is not "done cookin", I can only hope they understand the same about me.
Biological Time vs. Calendar vs. Clock
Fairly early in my youth I came to the conclusion that I wanted a family, specifically a daughter, as many children do. I had it all planned out and as I would "play house" with my dolls and with friends, I just knew that would be me. I thought of finding a husband as an event, not a process, where one would truly ride on his white horse and find me. That was life before 50.....along the road of life, career pursuits were coming first. Why? Because I allowed them to. In my mid 30s, I came to the conclusion this was not going to happen. Who needed it after all? However....the biological clock was ticking and I wanted a daughter. Prayer was not dropping that magical husband out of the sky either. I investigated adopting as a single mother. I suddenly felt that I was late for everything.....TIME.....We're all given the same 24 hours, no more, no less. It extends for no one. I had suddenly found myself thinking I was late for marriage, late to have a child, and late to pursue the dreams of my childhood that stayed with me. Time can be our enemy or our friend.
Yes, my clock was ticking. However, upon attending church I spotted my then-to-be husband and about a year later we were married. Our pastor gave me away and as I walked down the aisle with him during the rehearsal practicing, he seemed to be going quickly. Time again.....however, now I had control. I did not want to rush this moment, both in rehearsal and at the actual wedding. I told him I waited 39 years for this moment and I did not want to rush down the aisle! That dream came true. Years of life experience and hopefully wisdom had made me see that this was not a fairytale. What is? But I was not late. Yet, in the world's eyes I "married late..." I was blessed with not one daughter, but two a short time after and they are 17 months apart. I was 40 and 42 upon giving birth. Was I late??? Not in my eyes. I had two daughters. My whole universe had changed. My children are 14 and 15 now, and as I teach them about using their time wisely it brings me back to the use of time and how relative it is in the big picture. I was thrilled to be pregnant, change diapers, and the whole process. Late? So what. I had no clue about being high risk due to my age, and no one used the term with me that we hear about now. I was blessed, not late.
Many issues I will share about will be things that can be related to as 30, 40 and 50 comes and goes. I am not late, high risk. The biological time did not win. I feel 25 inside, so for all intents and purposes the calendar is not winning. We will deal with the clock as we walk this journey, and as I work with my teens to deal with it as well as the rest of us.
Yes, my clock was ticking. However, upon attending church I spotted my then-to-be husband and about a year later we were married. Our pastor gave me away and as I walked down the aisle with him during the rehearsal practicing, he seemed to be going quickly. Time again.....however, now I had control. I did not want to rush this moment, both in rehearsal and at the actual wedding. I told him I waited 39 years for this moment and I did not want to rush down the aisle! That dream came true. Years of life experience and hopefully wisdom had made me see that this was not a fairytale. What is? But I was not late. Yet, in the world's eyes I "married late..." I was blessed with not one daughter, but two a short time after and they are 17 months apart. I was 40 and 42 upon giving birth. Was I late??? Not in my eyes. I had two daughters. My whole universe had changed. My children are 14 and 15 now, and as I teach them about using their time wisely it brings me back to the use of time and how relative it is in the big picture. I was thrilled to be pregnant, change diapers, and the whole process. Late? So what. I had no clue about being high risk due to my age, and no one used the term with me that we hear about now. I was blessed, not late.
Many issues I will share about will be things that can be related to as 30, 40 and 50 comes and goes. I am not late, high risk. The biological time did not win. I feel 25 inside, so for all intents and purposes the calendar is not winning. We will deal with the clock as we walk this journey, and as I work with my teens to deal with it as well as the rest of us.
Old, Young, or all of the Above
In what feels like a previous life, I can remember going to the doctor, and looking at the doctor as an older person, respected, no matter what age the doctor was....that was life before 50. (possibly before 40 ;) Move to after 50.......my husband recently had an in-office procedure done. As I went with him for a consult, we were in the waiting room and the receptionist quietly said "that is the doctor" thereby reassuring us that we would not be there all day and the doctor was arriving. I looked around for my memory of someone who had a "doctor look." All I saw was a person go bounding into the back where the offices would be. She had a ponytail and looked a lot like my daughter used to.............at 10!!
They say that you are truly old/older when the president is younger than you. I refuse to give in to that rule passed down from "them". We simply have a very young president. :) The calendar is one thing. What helps you keep young in Spirit?
Dee
BeforeandAfter50
They say that you are truly old/older when the president is younger than you. I refuse to give in to that rule passed down from "them". We simply have a very young president. :) The calendar is one thing. What helps you keep young in Spirit?
Dee
BeforeandAfter50
Lessons Learned, Like it or Not!
It is my belief that life is a process. We continue along the process all throughout, leveling off at times, learning at times, and even refusing to learn at times. The lessons of life may be learned and benefited from, laughed at, or sometimes taking us down kicking and screaming before we give in and possibly cry "uncle." There seems to be a change after hitting 50 for me. Possibly I don't kick and scream as much, possibly I don't have the *energy* to kick and scream as much. Every lesson now seems to always present an opportunity to pass down to my daughters. At 14 and 15, I can only pray that will benefit from my process thus far.
Yes, I am over 50 and seemed to be late with everything; however, I have come to learn (yes, a lesson!!) late according to whom? In medical terms, I had children late but they are doing well and have actually succeeded in keeping me young in spirit and hopefully I will share with you lessons learned at 50 and over, but possibly dealing with subjects that you can relate to whatever age you are chronologically.
Come journey with me as we proceed together and we will laugh, cry, and share together. I look forward to comments from you and learning from you as well. We will take questions and answers weekly and guests will be posting as we learn how to have true quality of life no matter what our circumstances are and to live our best life.
-Denise
Yes, I am over 50 and seemed to be late with everything; however, I have come to learn (yes, a lesson!!) late according to whom? In medical terms, I had children late but they are doing well and have actually succeeded in keeping me young in spirit and hopefully I will share with you lessons learned at 50 and over, but possibly dealing with subjects that you can relate to whatever age you are chronologically.
Come journey with me as we proceed together and we will laugh, cry, and share together. I look forward to comments from you and learning from you as well. We will take questions and answers weekly and guests will be posting as we learn how to have true quality of life no matter what our circumstances are and to live our best life.
-Denise
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