Fairly early in my youth I came to the conclusion that I wanted a family, specifically a daughter, as many children do. I had it all planned out and as I would "play house" with my dolls and with friends, I just knew that would be me. I thought of finding a husband as an event, not a process, where one would truly ride on his white horse and find me. That was life before 50.....along the road of life, career pursuits were coming first. Why? Because I allowed them to. In my mid 30s, I came to the conclusion this was not going to happen. Who needed it after all? However....the biological clock was ticking and I wanted a daughter. Prayer was not dropping that magical husband out of the sky either. I investigated adopting as a single mother. I suddenly felt that I was late for everything.....TIME.....We're all given the same 24 hours, no more, no less. It extends for no one. I had suddenly found myself thinking I was late for marriage, late to have a child, and late to pursue the dreams of my childhood that stayed with me. Time can be our enemy or our friend.
Yes, my clock was ticking. However, upon attending church I spotted my then-to-be husband and about a year later we were married. Our pastor gave me away and as I walked down the aisle with him during the rehearsal practicing, he seemed to be going quickly. Time again.....however, now I had control. I did not want to rush this moment, both in rehearsal and at the actual wedding. I told him I waited 39 years for this moment and I did not want to rush down the aisle! That dream came true. Years of life experience and hopefully wisdom had made me see that this was not a fairytale. What is? But I was not late. Yet, in the world's eyes I "married late..." I was blessed with not one daughter, but two a short time after and they are 17 months apart. I was 40 and 42 upon giving birth. Was I late??? Not in my eyes. I had two daughters. My whole universe had changed. My children are 14 and 15 now, and as I teach them about using their time wisely it brings me back to the use of time and how relative it is in the big picture. I was thrilled to be pregnant, change diapers, and the whole process. Late? So what. I had no clue about being high risk due to my age, and no one used the term with me that we hear about now. I was blessed, not late.
Many issues I will share about will be things that can be related to as 30, 40 and 50 comes and goes. I am not late, high risk. The biological time did not win. I feel 25 inside, so for all intents and purposes the calendar is not winning. We will deal with the clock as we walk this journey, and as I work with my teens to deal with it as well as the rest of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment